Feeling like a failure After Divorce?
When I was 14, the most profound thing happened to me–I decided I wanted to become a great basketball player. (Now I know before you all roll your eyes and say, yeah right? And what does this have to do with feeling like a failure after Divorce? I’ll get to that.)
Now back to my basketball dream. Would it help if I told you that my father was drafted to the NBA in the early 60s? I also had three other uncles whom had all played at the Division 1 college level. I also was growing tall and was soon to reach my final height of a 6’5 shooting guard. So at least I thought that my dream to become a great basketball player was not as out of reach for me as it might have seemed for some other 14 year old. Despite the fortune of having good basketball genes, I quickly realized in order to accomplish greatness at basketball, I could not just get there by wishing. I had to practice and boy did I. I practiced non-stop over the next few years. I became like a basketball android and day and night that’s all I did. If you wanted to find me, I was outside shooting, I rarely/ OK never dated, never let any other distractions get in my way. Didn’t drink, didn’t party. You could say I was laser focused and starry eyed that I was going to make it. Long story short, even though I did make it to college, and I did do everything I could possibly do to become great at basketball, I never really felt like I fulfilled my true potential; as my career faltered and ended early whilst still in college. When it ended for me, I felt like a complete and utter failure. That was my first time feeling like a failure.
Having known nothing in my life but working toward goals and accomplishments, when I fell for my Ex hook, line, and sinker in my late 20’s I just knew that having love in my life would restore the lost purpose I felt during my basketball days. So immediately when I found her I couldn’t wait to be married. Sadly looking back on it now, deep down I knew rather quickly we had probably made a terrible mistake and married way too soon. Our cultures, background, wealth, everything to measure compatibility was as opposite as it could be and quickly our marriage began to crumble apart . After 10 years of trying everything I knew to do, I experienced the pain of a divorce. This was my second time feeling like a failure.
Needless to say, I was growing very bitter by this stage in my life. How could I keep on trying so hard to be great at things and then everything I tried kept turning to shit? I was reaching a crossroads in my life as I had by now passed my 40th birthday; I had lost most of my money, my home, my career, and now the full time care of my two children to that divorce; despite feeling like I was a great husband, spoiling her, never cheating….You know the rest. Yep, to say I felt like a failure was an understatement. I found myself hating on life and all women in general. I found myself feeling bitter towards those whom seemed like everything they did worked out. I hated the injustices that were going on around me like not seeing my kids even though I felt they were safer and happier with me and this was my state of mind for nearly five years after my divorce. So to get to the point of this post: I understand full well feeling like a failure after divorce. I have felt that way all my life.
But here’s how I changed my negative thinking on this subject forever; how I forgave myself, and how I chose to go down the other road of forgiveness and peace with a renewed sense of self and purpose. What changed inside me was just once simple action–I accepted my share of the blame.
Yes I had blame. We all do! Every good parent warns their children about decisions and how they effect one’s life. Looking back on my basketball days now, I was filled with so much bitterness at the injustice of me sitting on the bench while some other player whom I just knew I had practiced more than was playing ahead of me. In all those moments however, I never once asked myself was I strong enough or fast enough to replace him? Was I working on the right things that would have given me more playing time? Or was I working on only the things I felt I still did well? The truthful answer even though it pains me to admit this now, was no I wasn’t. I needed to take blame for that. This was the real reason I failed.
Now let’s apply this thinking to my divorce. I can finally look at my marriage objectively after 10 years removed from it and I am forced to admit perhaps I was not as good of a husband as I perceived myself to be. I never listened very well. I never really wanted to do anything she wanted to do. I always felt a sense of being “let down” by who she was or became as a person and sadly as the years went by, I always felt deep down like I could have done better than my Ex. (Which was a very arrogant position for me to try and build a forever marriage on.) Now for the real problems we had if those weren’t enough. I made bad decisions: We married way too soon before we even knew each other. Once again this was my decision, I pushed for the wedding and never really got to know who she was as a person. For me, I was marrying the fantasy of marriage. Never mind if we would be compatible or not. I never considered that. I was also to blame for taking her far away from her home and then resenting her for being homesick. In short, I had my own issues too… yet I only chose to see her’s. Yes there were problems we both had: times where we insulted each other yet I only remember the words she insulted me with, not ever knowing the hurtful words I laid on her in reply. Perhaps you can relate to these. So when you really look back critically at your marriage, here’s what you need to do.
Try to find forgiveness within yourself by accepting what was your fault. Once you’ve thought about these and reflected on each event, you’ll start to notice the most eye opening experience. Even though no one likes to be wrong within a marriage since it’s way easier and convenient to just blame your Ex for everything, we must realize that we weren’t everything they needed either. Once I started owning up to my part of the blame, I was able to forgive my Ex for her part; forgive myself for my part and I was able to stop viewing my marriage as a failure but treated it more as a learning experience that hopefully I will get right the second time around.
If I should be so lucky to find love again, I will proceed this time with a great hope, not a great need! I will hope to become as perfect a mate for her as she will for me. But first we must work on our own weaknesses. Weaknesses which have been keeping us on the bench instead of out there in the game!
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