Afraid of Marriage After Divorce?
By Lucas Webb
Are you still allergic to the words “I Do”? Then I hope this simple post helps you ease some of your fears when it comes to marrying again after a divorce. First of all, I know exactly what you’re feeling. I’ve really only had two “long” relationships lasting over a year or so since my divorce eight years ago. (I know sad right?) Inevitably with these, I would chicken out, make excuses, or say to them, “I can’t live with something you’re doing”–then bail. The real reason though is I’m afraid to marry again. I admit it. I feel I have too much to lose this time around to put myself through that again. Having said that, the further removed from my divorce I come, the easier it is to re-think the whole marriage thing. But I still find myself so afraid of it—and why? Here are a few things that’s helped me and might help you ease your fears about marrying again:
The fear of marriage should leave you when you really “know” whom you’re marrying: I have to be harsh with myself on this one. Looking back, I really didn’t know my first wife when I married her. I thought I did. But quickly into the first few months, I found I didn’t know about her temperament, how she handled certain situations, whether she had issues with this or that; and not to make it all about her—to be fair she really didn’t know any of my issues either. So like the old Rodney Dangerfield joke, she was an earth sign; I was a water sign and together we made mud! (Perhaps you can relate..:) Rest assured your next marriage should be nothing to fear if you take the time to get to know your future spouse inside and out. What I’m talking about here is a new concept of personality intimacy. Personality Intimacy is simply the knowledge of what your spouse will do, say, or be like in all situations, such as in happiness or in times of crisis? Knowing what makes them truly happy or what makes their blood boil is the most underrated intimacy you can share with your partner. Taking the time to become intimate with your future spouse’s personality is the only way to insure you know the “real” person behind the fake facade we humans all like to front. Once you’ve achieve this over a year or two of getting to know them, (or by living together first) then the fear of marriage should subside. You’ll know they’re either right or wrong for you way before you even begin to think about the next step of marriage.
Approach the next marriage differently this time around: During the courtship that lead up to my marriage I approached the idea of forever with rose colored glasses. I just knew my marriage would be as smooth and easy as my parent’s made it look through their 50 plus years and counting together. My thinking was that my future wife was going to exist to make me happy, that I would never have to be lonely again, I would always have someone who had my back–Yeah, boy was I wrong. My marriage rolled downhill almost from the words “I do” and I seemed powerless to stop it. No matter what I did; it was wrong. No matter what the circumstances were, I reacted in the opposite way she expected me to. In return, she reacted in the opposite way I needed her to as well. If marriage was a language, I must have been speaking fluent Divorce back then! Because we never could understand one another. Now that my divorce is behind me, I’ve realized that marriage takes a helluva lot of work and that no one can or will ever make you happy long term. Marriage is not 50/50 either, but 100% of your effort and 100% of your partner’s effort. If you approach your next marriage as if your wife or husband will take care of your every need, then trust me you will again be disappointed. But if you become realistic this next time around and go into the marriage as a partnership and not just for looks, money, loneliness etc… then you needn’t ever fear the institution. Blame the first marriage on being a little naive. There’s no shame in that, but if you look at your next marriage in the same way you did your last expecting a different result, then I needn’t tell you that this is the definition of insanity.
You’ll never fear marriage if you can be in a marriage and still be yourself: This one was huge for me. I never really felt like myself when I was married. Only since my divorce have I started to recover and regain my old passions for things. I’m still very angry with my Ex over that fact, but now I realize she’s found someone new who is the polar opposite of me which I’m sure has made her finally feel like her true self again. Allowing your next spouse to love the real you first and you knowing and falling for the real them is a sure way of never being disappointed with the other during marriage. This is the reason we must get to know someone over a longer period of time than just a quick whirlwind romance. (which I can promise you will not survive the forever intent of a marriage since nothing kills a good passionate romance like marriage..lol:) But marriage also gets a bad wrap as the intent of it was to have a “helpmate” or a partner throughout life, not a sex slave, maid, cook, 2nd paycheck, or just a large………wallet. If both people can enter into the marriage with their own individual goals and passions still intact and encourage the other, then what would there ever be to fear in an institution like that?
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