Newly Divorced: Never Want to Date Again?
By Lucas Webb
Those of us who have been through a divorce know the feeling of not ever wanting to date again right after it’s final. If this describes what you’re feeling right now then please don’t sweat it–this too shall pass. I would even go as far as to say this is a very healthy defense mechanism and you should be glad it’s there—here’s why:
Your emotions need a break: Your mind, body, soul, and above all your heart need a break. So if that well meaning “friend” keeps trying to fix you up with their “perfect-for-you-so-and-so” too soon after your divorce, then it’s OK to recognized that you’re still just not ready to date yet. (And why would you want to anyway?) After all, you just went through the most traumatic thing your heart will ever experience relationship wise, so expecting to just ignore your feelings, throw caution to the wind, and jump right back into another relationship is very reckless to say the least. This would be akin to breaking a leg skiing then immediately without allowing any time for healing, Jump up and head right back down the slops again. Sounds crazy right? Good we’re getting somewhere:)
Your still getting over your Ex: Believe it or not, your Ex will take some time to get over. No matter how rough the marriage was, no matter how many times you’ve figuratively planned where you’d hide their body if given the right moment; still you were once in love with this person and it won’t be a simple matter to just discard them and move on. Yes, I know you think you’re so over them, right? Of course you are and that’s why the two of you divorced. But there’s still and will be for some time after, the memory of your routines together, simple intimate moments, and all the memories of the “good times” your Ex once represented in your life. It’s one thing to be divorced, and quite another thing to be over your divorce. I call it the Divorced Tunnel because it’s much like entering a tunnel where at first things will begin to grow very dark around you. Then you may have to travel a considerable distance before things begin to lighten again, but once you see the light at the other end of the tunnel, you’ll most certainly emerge a smarter, kinder, and more loving version of who you were before you entered it. So be patient while going through this, what awaits you at the other end will be worth it.
You need to re-meet you again: As I’ve written in many other posts, divorce will force you to meet yourself again. It’s so ironic that marriage has a way of divorcing you from your old self, while divorce has a way of re-marrying you back to your true self. This irony should show us that if there is a next time around, then we need to be looking for a spouse who keeps us as close to our true selves as possible. (Easier said than done, right?) But I digress–My point is this; after you are newly divorced, this should be YOU time, and to a greater extent; you and your children’s time together. Realize your children are forced to divorce too. They must now split time between the two of you where they once had you both united. With that said, I think a newly divorced person shouldn’t even think about dating again for at least a year after their divorce is final. Why that long? Because this year should be a year of adjustments—both for you and those around you: new financial needs, visitation concerns, child support obligations, the stress of finding a new place to live, which city or new job to pursue—the list will go on and on. Compromises and adjustments will all have to be made within that timeframe after your divorce is final. With all these decisions and new realities to face, the last thing any newly divorced person should want to deal with is another relationship. So don’t fear the repulsion of the opposite sex post divorce—and believe me if your emotions are healthy it will and should be there. Just know that you’ll get over this feeling in time when you’re mind, body, and soul are ready to begin dating again—So it’s OK to tell your friends, “No” to their Mr. Right-for-You; you will have plenty of time to meet them later–now’s just not the time.
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